Reclaiming Anger: Building Affective Regulation and Raising Resilient Humans
Many people see anger as something harmful that should be avoided. Yet, anger is a normal emotion that everyone experiences, no matter their age or background. In short, anger just has a bad reputation (my sister would say it just has a bad PR problem).
In therapy, anger is often called dangerous or toxic, and people are told to get rid of it. But from a clinical point of view, anger itself is not the problem. It is a normal and useful emotion. For example, studies show that people who felt anger during negotiations often did better because their anger pushed them to speak up and clearly state their needs. Anger acts as a signal that something important has happened, like a crossed boundary, a blocked goal, or an unmet need.
Disconnecting from anger can also lead to a reduced sense of self-worth and a reduced capacity for self-advocacy.
The core issue is not the presence of anger, but rather whether individuals have learned successful methods for regulating it.
Anger Is Biological — and It’s Not Just “Negative”
From a brain science view, anger is a high-energy state. It acts like an accelerator, getting the body ready to act. This can mean a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, and more stress hormones. Unlike fear, which makes us pull away from danger, anger prepares us to face and deal with what matters.
This is why anger can feel energizing. Neuroscientist Andrew Huberman explains that people are naturally wired to be stimulated by anger and frustration. Certain brain circuits turn on even with mild anger. Today, with constant social media, this can form a cycle where anger keeps getting triggered and reinforced.
But stimulation is not the same thing as fulfillment.
If anger is not managed, it can hurt your sleep, focus, work, and relationships. For example, thinking about an argument can keep you up at night and leave you tired and distant at work the next day. Often exploding with anger strengthens those habits, while always holding it in raises your stress over time.
Neither extreme is healthy.
Regulation is the key variable.
Emotion Regulation Is a Learned Skill
No one is born knowing how to control emotions.
Children are born able to feel all emotions, but they do not yet know how to manage them. When their feelings get too strong, they become overwhelmed. This is not bad behavior—it just means they have not learned the skills yet. For example, a child might slam a door or yell when upset, or go quiet when things feel too much. These are normal signs that they are still learning how to handle emotions.
If you notice these patterns in yourself, remember that struggling with emotions is a normal part of learning, not a personal flaw. Treating yourself with equal kindness shows a child that you help yourself grow and build new emotional skills over time.
Regulation develops through relationships, particularly through caregiver–child attachment. When a caregiver remains calm during a child’s distress, the child “borrows” that calm. This process, known as co-regulation, allows the child’s nervous system to stabilize. The same dynamic applies among adults: for example, a friend who calmly listens during your stressful moment, or a colleague who stays grounded during workplace tension, can help co-regulate your emotional state through their presence and calmness.
With enough practice, children take in this support and eventually learn to manage their emotions independently.
Importantly, co-regulation does not disappear in adulthood. We continue to regulate more effectively in the presence of emotionally safe relationships.
Emotional health starts in our relationships before it becomes something we do on our own.
The Acknowledge–Validate–Permit Framework
Before we get into the steps, it helps to know why this matters. Using the Acknowledge–Validate–Permit (AVP) framework can help you break out of reactive habits, reduce stress in tough moments like meetings or family arguments, and make it easier to respond thoughtfully rather than on impulse. Many people find that AVP leads to calmer talks and less leftover resentment by the end of the day.
For example, imagine a family argument: Your teenager comes home late, and you feel a burst of anger. Using AVP in the moment, you might walk yourself through these steps:
Acknowledge: You pause and notice your emotion. "I am really angry that my child came home late."
Validate: You remind yourself that this feeling makes sense. "My anger is natural. It comes from worrying about their safety and wanting them to follow our agreement."
Permit: Instead of snapping or shutting down, you allow yourself to feel the anger without letting it control your response. You take a few slow breaths, then choose to say, "It's frustrating and scary for me when you come home late without notifying me. May we discuss how to handle this next time?"
This procedure helps you remain faithful to your values and communicate your needs more clearly, reducing the likelihood that you will react impulsively.
One practical intrapersonal tool for anger regulation is the Acknowledge–Validate–Permit (AVP) framework:
Acknowledge
Instead of just saying 'I am feeling angry,' try being specific: 'I’m furious my project was cut.' Naming the emotion in a real situation makes it more real. Simply labeling an emotion also helps your brain calm down.
Simply labeling an emotion recruits prefrontal regions of the brain and reduces amygdala reactivity.
Validate
Remind yourself that the emotion makes sense in context. Validation does not mean endorsing harmful behavior, and it does not absolve you of responsibility for how your actions affect others. It entails recognizing that your nervous system is responding for a reason, while still holding yourself accountable for your impact.
Permit
Let yourself feel the emotion without reacting right away. When you stop fighting your feelings, they often become less intense.
This process reduces reactivity and enhances reflective functioning, which is the capacity to pause and consider before acting.
Because anger is physiologically activating, pairing AVP with intentional breathing (such as slow exhalations or a “physiological sigh”) can help re-engage parasympathetic pathways and bring the prefrontal cortex back online.
Expression vs. Reaction
There is a critical distinction between feeling anger and expressing anger.
You cannot always control feeling angry, but you can choose how you express it.
Reactive expression (yelling, aggression, impulsive messages) rehearses escalation. Strategic expression uses anger as information. It asks:
What boundary feels crossed? What goal feels blocked?
What need requires communication?
After thinking about these questions, ask yourself: What do I want to happen in the next five minutes? Let your answer guide what you do next. This helps turn self-awareness into real action.
Strategic anger sounds like:
“When meetings start late, I feel frustrated. I need more predictability. If it continues, I’ll need to adjust my participation.”
This way of expressing anger is not aggressive. It shows self-control and confidence.
Boundaries: Control vs. Self-Responsibility
Healthy boundaries are often misunderstood as attempts to control others. For example, in a family context, instead of saying, "You can’t talk to me that way," you might set a clear personal boundary with, "If the conversation becomes hurtful, I am going to step away until we can both speak respectfully." This reflects the workplace approach: rather than telling a coworker, "You always make meetings run late," you might say, "When meetings start late, I feel frustrated. I need more predictability. If it continues, I’ll need to adjust my participation." Having both household and workplace scripts reinforces the idea that boundaries are about expressing your own limits and needs, not controlling others.
In practice, boundaries clarify the actions individuals will take to maintain their well-being. Boundaries define personal. In practice, boundaries make it clear what you will do to take care of yourself. They are about your own actions, not about controlling others. Good boundaries help you feel more independent, make things more predictable, and improve relationships by cutting down on resentment and passive aggression.ty involves the ability to hold dialectical truths simultaneously. To make this real, try naming your own: Which two conflicting truths are you holding today? Inviting yourself to notice and even journal on these tensions might turn abstract flexibility into a direct personal practice.
You can love your child deeply while still feeling overwhelmed by parenting.
You can value your career while still feeling resentful of its demands.
You can care about someone and feel hurt by them.
If you think you can only feel one way, you are more likely to feel shame. Accepting that emotions can be complex helps you be kinder to yourself. This kind of flexibility also helps you handle conflicts and makes relationships less rigid.
Anger, Perfectionism, and Creativity
Anger and frustration frequently intersect with perfectionism.
For some people, anger makes them more self-critical, with thoughts like, 'It’s not good enough.' Perfectionism can be mild, just helping you pay attention to details, or it can be moderate, causing doubt and stress, or severe, leading to constant dissatisfaction and feeling stuck. People with low perfectionism might get disappointed but move on quickly. Those with moderate perfectionism may often second-guess themselves, while those with high perfectionism rarely feel satisfied. Knowing where you fall on this scale can help you be less defensive and more self-aware, which is important to understand how anger and perfectionism connect. Perfectionism can help you get things done or keep you stuck in frustration.
At the same time, frustration can be turned into creative work. Strong emotions often lead to artistic or professional breakthroughs when used in a positive way instead of being acted out impulsively.
The critical distinction is regulation. When anger is effectively processed, it operates as a source of information and motivation. When unregulated, it may appear as self-criticism or external aggression.
Resilience: “I Believe You” and “I Believe in You”
Resilience grows when people feel appreciated and are also expected to manage challenges.
Children need to hear two messages:
“I believe you.” (Your emotional experience is real.)
“I believe in you.” (You can handle this.)
Not taking emotions seriously makes people feel unsafe. Protecting someone too much keeps them from building confidence.
Growth occurs when children are supported while still being encouraged to tolerate manageable discomfort.
The Modern Challenge: Frustration Tolerance
One problem today is that people are less able to handle frustration. With so much technology and constant stimulation, there are fewer chances to practice waiting for rewards, so people expect things right away.
Frustration tolerance, however, is fundamental for:
Academic persistence
Problem-solving
Affective control
Long-term goal achievement
Both adults and children get better at handling frustration by practicing waiting, working through problems, and not always trying to feel better right away.
Resilience requires exposure to tolerable stress, not the removal of all stress.
The Cost of Unexamined Anger
Unexamined anger consumes cognitive bandwidth. It interferes with sleep, productivity, and connection. In places where outrage is constantly accessible, anger can become habitual.
But anger is not supposed to be a constant state. It is meant to alert you to something important.
When you notice, accept, and manage anger well, it can help you. Anger can help you set boundaries, see what matters to you, and make changes.
Final Thoughts
Emotional health is not about never having tough feelings. It is about having the skills to handle them well.
Regulation develops relationally. It strengthens through modeling, practice, and self-awareness. It requires the capacity to hold complexity, set boundaries, tolerate frustration, and pause before reacting.
Anger does not need to be eliminated.
