Nothing Is Fixed: On Stress, Meaning, and the Work of Becoming
This piece is for those in therapy, therapists, or anyone grappling with meaning and uncertainty*
In every culture, one idea is clear: taking part in life is necessary for meaning, connection, and growth. Here, I argue that facing uncertainty head-on is key to finding meaning and thriving, both alone and together. From old myths to today’s stories, people are shown as active partners in shaping their world, highlighting how important our role is in our surroundings and our own growth.
Taking care of the land with sustainable habits is a lot like caring for our minds, feelings, and character. Both need us to be involved and aware. This kind of effort isn’t a burden—it’s a path to meaning and purpose. When we take part, we add to our own lives and to the larger human story.
As we grow, we often want things to feel certain. We hope our lives make sense, our identities stay the same, and our struggles fit a clear story. But in therapy and in life, we learn that everything changes. Every experience and part of our story is important. The main point: Uncertainty and change are normal parts of growing.
It’s this constant change that lets us take part and reshape our lives. Engaging with change is actually our greatest freedom.
The Myth of the Finished Life
A lot of people want to be a “best-seller” without putting in the work of writing a book. They want to feel important without taking risks or making an effort. But real importance comes from inside, not from what others think. Viktor Frankl said we find meaning through the choices we make when we face pain, uncertainty, and limits.
Holding on to certainty can actually cause pain. We cling to fixed ideas about our jobs, relationships, identity, or success, and end up suffering not just from problems, but from resisting them. Existentialists believe that trying to avoid pain can be even worse than the pain itself. (Pain as Lived Experience: Philosophical Perspectives in Pain Medicine – A Narrative Review, 2026)
Learning to “love our suffering” doesn’t mean we enjoy pain. It means we accept what’s happening rather than fighting what we wish were different.
Or, in simpler terms:
It’s not so much about “letting it go” as it is about “letting it be.” (Thanks to the Beatles)
Stress, Subception, and the Body’s Wisdom
People rarely come to therapy without a backstory. Both kids and adults carry stress from their families, communities, and cultures. Instead of sudden breakdowns, most people shift back and forth within the limits of what they can handle.
Modern psychology offers several ways to explain how this works:
Stress contagion theory shows how stress spreads between individuals in relational systems. (Peen et al., 2021)
At home (Example):
One parent comes home tense and irritable after work. They don’t say much, but their tone sounds short, and their body is tense. Within minutes, the rest of the household feels on edge. Kids become reactive, and partners become anxious or withdrawn. No one “caught” the stress through words; it spread through mood, posture, pacing, and affective signals.
In a workplace (Example):
A stressed manager checks emails repeatedly, talks quickly, and sighs. Even top employees become anxious and make mistakes. Productivity drops as stress spreads through the team.
Among friends (Example):
One friend catastrophizes about a problem. Soon, others feel similar concern, even if unaffected.
Put simply, stress doesn’t stay with just one person. It passes between people through their relationships.
A related framework, interpersonal neurobiology, explains how stress affects learning, motivation, attention, and affective regulation. (Siegel & Drulis, 2023)
A child in school (Example):
A child who is unsafe at home struggles to focus in class. Teachers may see laziness, but the child’s nervous system is focused on survival. Stress narrows attention, weakens memory, and disrupts impulse control.
Our minds analyze, but our bodies show the real effects
Adults under chronic stress (Example):
A person dealing with financial stress, caregiving, and lack of sleep may:
Forget things they normally remember.
Feel unmotivated by goals they once cared about.
Overreact emotionally to small frustrations.
This isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s just the brain’s way of reacting to stress.
In relationships (Example):
During conflict, partners stop hearing each other. One feels attacked, the other dismissed. Stress reduces empathy and flexible thinking.
In short, when we’re stressed, our brains stop focusing on growth and connection…
Instead, they try to protect us and manage subception, which is the body’s subtle way of noticing when something feels off before we’re fully aware of it. (Rees, 1971, pp. 501-504). Subception—a term Carl Rogers used—means we react to some things without knowing why. This subtle awareness is easy to overlook, but it can help guide our bodies as we heal.
The main point: Stress affects our relationships and our ability to grow.
Common examples:
“Something feels wrong” in a conversation:
You’re talking with someone who says the right things, but your stomach tightens, or your chest feels heavy. You can’t explain why yet, but later you realize their words didn’t match their behavior. Your body noticed the inconsistency before your thoughts caught up.
You enter a meeting and feel tense, even though no one has spoken. Later, conflict erupts or bad news is shared. Your nervous system noticed small cues—like facial expressions, silence, or energy shifts—before your mind realized it.
After sending a text or email:
You reread something you sent and feel a flood of unease. Eventually, you realize you crossed a personal boundary or said yes when you meant no.
The Burden and Gift of Exposure
With this in mind, it’s important to think about how the digital world affects us. Today, we’re surrounded by images, identities, and emotions that reach far beyond our local communities. We can’t “unsee” what we’ve experienced, and we can’t always set clear boundaries around the things that shape us.
Instead of trying to erase these influences, therapy helps us honestly gather our experiences. This supports the main idea: being actively involved shapes a real sense of self, even when we’re overwhelmed by the digital world.
Authenticity doesn’t come from having endless choices. It comes from bringing our experiences together through active participation. This is the main goal of therapy and the heart of this argument.
Feeling Lost: A Natural Human Condition
Feeling lost isn’t a sickness. It’s just honest. Very few people ever fully “find their purpose.” Calling ourselves lost can actually make us feel worse.
A small but powerful reframe can help: You are not lost. You are exploring
Key takeaway: Changing your perspective from 'lost' to 'exploring' can empower personal growth.
Exploring is how we start to build identity, creativity, and strength. Doing this with others in a community can be just as grounding as finding answers alone. When we explore together, we create meaning with others instead of searching for it by ourselves.
Attention, Meaning, and Existential Integrity
Our growth depends on what we pay attention to. What we focus on shapes who we become. The main point:Where we put our attention guides our growth and sense of meaning.
Psychotherapy frequently focuses on helping clients:
Redirect attention toward what brings vitality.
Notice the incongruence between the inner truth and outward behavior.
Reclaim parts of themselves exiled by fear, shame, or social pressure.
When actions don’t match beliefs, we feel less true to ourselves. Real integrity happens when our actions, values, and feelings all line up.n arise. Belief systems protect us from mortality anxiety. When these collapse after trauma, loss, or disruption, people may feel nihilism or confusion. Therapy helps rebuild meaning, one action at a time.
As Søren Kierkegaard noted, guilt is a normal part of being human. It does not mean we have failed. Instead, it gives us a chance to look at our lives and see if our choices match our values. (Søren Kierkegaard (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy/Fall 2025 Edition), 2025)
The Humor and Humility of Being Human
Remembering our limits can help us feel grounded. It’s humbling to realize that even the size of your funeral might depend on the weather. Our importance isn’t fixed—it changes with our relationships and over time. Accepting this helps us let go of perfectionism and take more risks.
Louis Pasteur said, "Chance favors the prepared mind." (Sparks & Lorsbach, 2023) The more we join in life’s uncertainty and possibilities, the more opportunities we have. In the end, psychotherapy is about taking part—exploring, growing, facing limits, seeing things in new ways, bringing together past and present, and always rebuilding meaning. This ongoing involvement is at the heart of what this text is about. Participation embodies the text's core argument.
Integrate past and present.
Cultivate authentic presence.
Rebuild the meaning when it collapses.
Explore rather than avoid.
Allow change instead of dreading it.
Through everything—identity, stress, meaning, suffering, or hope—nothing in life stays the same. The main point: Accepting change makes growth possible.
This is not a thing to fear. It is an opportunity.
It is a chance to recreate ourselves through what we do next. It is a chance to turn toward what brings us most alive.
It is a chance to explore rather than retreat.
It is a chance to take part in our own growth.
Let every part of your story—your happiness, pain, and changes—remind you that you matter, that you can grow, and that your involvement creates meaning for you and others. Keep choosing to take part in your own life as it unfolds.
